Survival guide for the FML pregnancy

Hello, I am Jeanne and I am 32 weeks pregnant, in non-mother-pregnancy words, I am less than 2 months away from giving birth in January and this is my side of the story.

If y’all expecting a map through pregnancy, a how-to-eat properly on inhale-kale diet, think again, it is a diary entry into the misery, the pain and unexpected plot twists of a pregnant woman’s life, so…

STRAP YOURSELF IN BECAUSE IT WILL BE A HORMONAL ROLLER COASTER RIDE OF YOUR LIFE.

FML

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Pregnancy is hard and anybody that tells you otherwise are either:

  1. Liars!
  2. Deniers!
  3. Cowards!
  4. Men!
  5. Filthy hobbitses!
  6. Old matronly ladies who seem to transcend the world of common sense and sensibilities
  7. People with unsolicited advise
  8. Aaaand the ultimate culprit of all, the women with perfect pregnancies and perfectly maintained bods to go with it

BISCH! If pregnancies were that easy, we’d all get preggo (even the men) in an instant and be dancing and frolicking around all over the place throwing flowers at everyone and crying with joy and screaming to the top of our lungs on how pregnancy is the BEST GOD DAMN THING EVER!

Well, I got to burst your bubble ladies and gents – it’s NOT ALL RAINBOWS, BUBBLE GUM DROPS, PUMPKIN SPICE, GINGER BREAD MAN AWESOME. [aha, ya see how seasonal I got?]

Can I ask why is it taboo to bitch and moan about pregnancy? I want to complain about it! If I could suck it up I would, but you know the best therapy is to LET IT ALL OUT! I feel like the great white whale in Moby Dick, getting speared for every bit of physical discomfort that is leaving me deprived of any mobility, any sleep, any comfort, any dexterity and sanity – SO BE MY GUEST!

Are all pregnant women afraid to scare other women from getting pregnant?! Bisch! We are going through enough already, do we really have to worry about what other women would think? Seriously?

You will get pregnant when you feel ready and are ready to share that chapter with your partner! If you are still insecure and scared about it that means you ain’t ready, EASY AS THAT! I honestly think the sooner the non-pregnant women aka the rest of the women population who haven’t experienced that kind of maternity, the easier the rest of humanity will understand pregnant women’s pain!

It’s like you are forcefully inducted in super special secret convent that nobody speaks about and where members just exchange knowing glances and sighs at the struggles and even if you bitch and moan about it, the MORE SENIOR members will still judge you for complaining about it or worse…

TELL YOU HOW BIG YOU’VE GOTTEN SINCE THE LAST TIME THEY SAW YOU, PRE-PREGNANCY.

I AM NOT HAVING TWINS GOD DAMN IT!

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Does anybody in their rightful mind know that mentioning or talking about a pregnant woman’s weight (or even mentioning a woman’s weight at all!) IS A MAJOR FAUX PAS?! To put it in harsher terms do you have a death wish? It makes me want to utter these age old words if you don’t have anything nice to say then don’t say it!

Then why the hell do you say it?

Pray tell what is the answer you expect? Is it to test a hormonally charged pregnant woman’s ability and patience (cos lord knows we need it) not to lop off your head?

Are you trying to woo or court her?

No, none of that, okay then.

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I am struggling with my growing body as it is, I don’t find myself pretty or sexy, nothing fits, I feel clumsy, I feel overly emotional when my pasta isn’t cooked to perfection, I want to cry when my daughter is upset or had a terrible day, I want to stuff my face with food that is OFF LIMITS (which I will go into detail below).

If you must say something about my weight, be diplomatic, be sensitive and polite about it like say “oh she’s growing a lot” aka the baby is growing, now that I can accept because it implies that both me and her are working to keep each other alive!

Compliment me instead, because you don’t know jackshit how hard it is!

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I know this post is just me adding oil to an ongoing fire in me and believe me I have moments where I am content and happy just minding my own business as I waddle around the mall as part of my exercise staring at all the beautiful autumnal/wintery clothing articles for pre-pregnancy and forever 20 year old bodies and in vain trying them on and when by the miracle of God they fit I almost cry with joy. When you hit a low in your pregnancy and with the added hormonal torrential hurricane – it is a low dawlings, you got no idea and some times even the clueless partners in your relationships will just scratch their heads or hopefully resort to cuddling and reassuring you that things will get better.

A dagger to your self-esteem when nothing fits.

Another dagger to your self-esteem and your mortality when you are diagnosed with gestational diabetes.

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Oh yeah you heard me! I basically have pregnancy diabetes!

My hormones and this baby are making me insulin resistant. Basically, my body is holding my growing baby hostage or she’s holding me hostage with a knife – one way or the other. I did not sign up for this unfair and biased video game. Now how does that “compliment about my weight” make you feel, hmmm?

Of course, I am gonna be a savage about this! I swear the next time someone says something about my weight I will straight up tell them my condition – we’ll see how much that will shut them up!

Ranting aside though.

I was devastated by the news.

The last thing you want to deal with as a pregnant mother is some possible health complications to yourself or your baby.

You can look up the info online, I really don’t want to add more anxiety to the anxiety that I have.

So, I have been on a low carb diet, hence my mention of a restrictive diet, to attempt to lower my glucose levels. To break this down into simplest of terms, I have to eat low amount of carbs which requires me to check my blood with a blood testing device 4x a day and make adjustments as I go along, finding the almost perfect balanced diet. It’s a trial and error process, but something I believe will be ingrained into my lifestyle from now on as I might have a 50% chance of developing type 2 Diabetes in my life, that’s grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreat.

I have been on that diet for several months now and I do feel much better, not with just making it part of my routine and hiding myself like a cocaine/crack addict in the public restroom to stab my fingers and extract blood for the device thingy – but overall physical and mental health has improved. I would even say I feel healthier with this pregnancy than with my first one almost 7 years ago.

So, yes, it’s been an interesting, life changing, mortality inducing and you-might-kill-your-baby-if-you-don-t-follow-through months of my life that I believe I will never forget and it makes me more hesitant to get pregnant again.

My hormones

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My hormones are being bitches, so I have to make adjustments as I go by eating a balanced diet with shit ton of salad (and I am an avid salad hater, but now I am salad disliker, so some improvement) and now I have to take insulin because well my hormones are being bitches.

In the words of my favorite snarky British television host of the former Top Gear show and now Grand Tour, Jeremy Clarkson “It could be worse”.

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Indeed it could be.

She could be born with something far worse and jarring then all this, yadi yada, but hey I will stop worrying once she’s been expelled smoothly and in a healthy fashion out of my womb without any complications which should happen some time mid January, hopefully, please…

So, to all Diabetes and Gestational Diabetes sufferers out there I feel your pain, at least my limited experience of it, keep doing you, don’t give up and bravo for nailing your diet to absolutely mathematical precision! Even after a few months in I still can’t figure out how to get the precise numbers down, because I hate math, yes I know it could be the hormones, but still. I really don’t like not being in control of what my body is doing.

The counting and measuring of my meals I kinda use my eyes to make some guestimates… maybe that’s not the most effective approach but I am getting some kind of routine and idea down so that counts, right? Aaaand, I really don’t want to obsesses too much to the point that I cannot enjoy my food anymore. I just know that if I have a SHIT TON OF VEGGIES, a little bit of brown rice/whole wheat pasta and FUCK TON OF MEAT – I can pretty much again get away with murder.

Light at the end of the tunnel

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You know what, despite that shit in my life, gestational diabetes should go away once the baby is born and she should be out of harms way once the umbilical cord is severed. I just may or may not develop type 2 diabetes later in my life, because mortality.

However, God bless the internet and thank God for the explosion of health fads such as Keto and Atkins diet, because DAAAAAMN I can find now shit ton of low-carb recipes or find low carb foods that can make me get away with murder!!! And I can actually still eat some cookies (with moderation) and stuff throughout the day as long as I am mindful that it doesn’t interfere with my main 3 meal numbers… Mouahahahahahahaha! YA CAN’T DENY YA SWISS GIRL CHOCOLATE!!!

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And now for the obvious question mark of this post, why did I not wait until after the healthy birth of my daughter to tell you all this? Well, on one hand, it’s my cheeky way of saying wait for it, I will update you or “to be continued”…uhhh, hopefully a good to be continued…

Now on the other hand, it would make more sense to do the latter, it’s like saying I just had plastic surgery done to restore my ego vs. my ego is destroyed and I will get it fixed today – you would likely want to hear the aftermath and the transformative recovery aspect, but your girl is impatient and she wants to spill the tea on her current life situation. So, for better or for worse, I will give you an update when the baby is here, through a brief blog post or Tweet.

Pregnancy-Memes

Also this is a message of empowerment, to those pregnant mothers out there suffering the same or worse, WE CAN DO THIS, bisches! Fuck the haters (my jacked up hormones) and naysayers (my jacked up hormones!) – we’re literally carrying and providing for humanity!!! Better take some pride in that, cos imma try even though I feel like crap some days and I want to drown my misery into the-all-so tantalizing-but-must-not-indulge-until-after-the-birth bucket of delicious KFC fried chicken and boxes of donuts, bagels and cupcakes.

Okay, okay, as much as women do all lot in this world to raise families and such maybe, just maybe give a loving and proud pat to your male partner’s lower extremities for a job well done getting you pregnant and all >.>

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Have a wonderful week! If I don’t write any time soon, have a happy holiday AND PEACE OUT!

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Me and this pregnancy aka baby right now ~.~

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