I am not dead, just exhausted

Hi…

No I haven’t been gone for six months, nope not at all…

Let me say those past 6 months (maybe more?) have been just rough. Many things happened. Yeah 2019 is not anymore invited to the party.

For one my mother in law almost died because she neglected her health (yes, I will be shamelessly blunt with that), number 2 my mental state went down the toilet after my daughter’s 3 month mark and lastly I have spent the remainder of 2019 rebuilding myself.

Life getting too real, I am exhausted

So, my mother-in-law almost died, that took a toll on me and pretty much everyone in my family, because well, I live with my in-laws and have been for YEARS, the impact was greater than expected.

I will probably write something about living with the in-laws in the distant future, but for now, yes I live with them and why you may ask, obviously for financial reasons, I mean who willingly drops everything to live with the in-laws anyways.

After my 2nd daughter (who just turned 1 by the way, yaay) my mental health, or more like symptoms of post-partum depression resurfaced and pretty much reared its ugly head and send me spiraling out of control with irrational anxiety. Everything, I mean EVERYTHING, past, present and future experiences turned into anxieties that took a toll on my mind that I am surprised I haven’t imploded. All my pointers and advice in the blog I posted to keep one’s sanity and help manage postpartum depression LEFT THE CHAT. I guess that makes me terrible at following my own advice, nothing new or our of the ordinary for every human being on earth.

I am tired, what kind of heading should I put here, this should be okay: 2020 better be gud

What is clear, I was weakened, my character flaws were amplified, I am an anxious person, I am a worrier (and no not a “warrior”, maybe the champion at worrying over petty things) and that’s what I did, worried about things that happened, will happen or might happen. AND I KNEW, none of it was me, none of these irrational thoughts were me, I called them out so many times, but also often times I sat in it, wallowed in it and could not escape it. Sometimes the clear voices of my parents, my husband and my other older daughter could not get me out of this quick sand-like mental state where I kept sinking and sinking.

I’ve come to realize that my birth experience and its recovery period, it truly is a time of temporary, much-needed and humbling self-sacrifice to nurture a little bundle of love and a time of rebuilding myself even if it means knocking down the previous foundations that held me. I have to redefine (and find!) myself again. It is getting better, sleep deprivation and hormonal swings are the killers, but I understand now that I need to practice, ask at times for reassurance from my husband and my mom and be kind to myself.

I want 2020 to be better, I want to be happier and more stable and hopefully find something to sink my teeth in (other than mothering) that will fulfill me creatively.

Wish you all a happy 2020, let’s make it a great year!

 

 

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